Throughout college and living in Kansas City, I would love spending time with Greg and I could never get enough of him on the weekends. I was elated when Greg proposed looking forward to getting married, moving into a house and picturing the rest of our lives together. As part of our marriage preparation, we took personality tests, answered questions on the typical roles of a husband and wife, and examined how each of us were raised in our families in order to understand how those aspects would affect our marriage. On the personality test, Greg scored to be well on the introverted side, while I was slightly on the extroverted side. Our marriage counselor said that this may present issues in the future because of the way we will interact in situations.
It wasn’t truly until after we got married when our weekends
finally slowed down when I realized how different Greg and I were. I think I noticed it most on Saturday
mornings when I would spring out of bed looking forward to all the tasks that I
wanted to accomplish on that day, while Greg would slowly roll out of bed, need
a cup of coffee before he showed any sign of emotion and then open up his
computer and spend literally HOURS on his machine. Greg’s ideal Saturday was being left in solitude
on his computer, while mine was running errands, cleaning the house, or doing
anything where I was moving, and not to mention that I pictured Greg right by my
side doing all of these things with me.
I would sit there and think that we had nothing in common. And when I would try and talk to Greg about
it, he was lost for words, so I just thought that he didn’t care.
That’s when I decided to read a book called, “The Introvert and Extrovert in Love”, that was suggested to us by our marriage counselor during
our marriage preparation classes. Since
reading this book, I have grown in appreciation for all people being unique,
and I have learned to be understanding and more patient towards those that are
different than me. The book was truly an
eye opener to the way that I am and how I view others and how we can’t help the
way that we are because that is the way we are wired. We can only control the way we react.
It's a very interesting book that explores the chemical make-up of our brains and how that influences our reactions and then it gives several examples of the interaction between a husband and wife and how they believe the other person is responding to them. So, here is my attempt to share a bit of the book with you, and hopefully you will pick up a copy one day and read it yourself so you can understand that we're not all that crazy, it's only the way our brain is wired...
There are five sections of the
brain. The occipital lobe processes vision, the parietal lobe processes sensory
data from the body, and the temporal lobe process auditory information. The frontal lobe processes the two types of
movement: thinking which is movement from the brain and voluntary movement of
the muscles. This lobe is considered the
area of complex functioning from speaking, emotional intelligence, decision
making, reasoning, remembering, self-control, problem solving, and
planning. The fifth lobe is the insula,
which has recently been thought of to control many of our higher functions by
integrating input from the other lobes.
Most of us know or have been told this information before.
The other way to divide the brain is down the middle, which we’ve all
heard as left-brain or right-brain thinkers.
The left-brain shines when performing cognitive, language and math skills
and controls the more action-oriented right side of the body. The right-brain controls the less
action-oriented left side of the body and regulates emotions, intuition and
artistic abilities. If you didn't know, Greg is a left-brain thinker and I am right-brained. We are literally complete opposites.
The last brain
divide is the front from the back. Introverts
use the front of the brain and extroverts use the back of the brain. The back is the “being” part, which is
reacting in the moment where sensory data creates a candid snapshot of a
perception, which activates basic behaviors.
The front part is the “doing” part, which reflects before acting
combining sensory data, old and new memories, thinking, and feeling contribute
to the development of a thought.
The book explains how our parents passed down their genes containing recipes to
create our neurotransmitters, in which our different “ingredients” will create
a separate pathway through the brain switching on or off specialized
functions. Introverts’ genes produce
acetylcholine, which activates conscious movement of the body, selects or
“tags” memories to be stored in long-term memory, initiates REM sleep, triggers
consciousness and concentration, and runs the parasympathetic conserving side
of the nervous system. Extroverts’ genes
make dopamine, which is a major reward neurotransmitter that is involved in
feeling excited, unconsciously moving the body, and triggering the sympathetic
spending side of the nervous system. I told Greg that this is the reason I sometimes wave my arms uncontrollably in our living room for no reason while singing a song... I can't help myself. And also the reason he has to tell his body to get up and move around the house or he will end up in the same spot for several hours of the day while I'm out running around.
When dopamine is released in response to input to the back
of the brain, clusters of cells that like this neurotransmitter create pathways
in the brain for dopamine to travel.
Well-used pathways develop grooves so that the cells can fire even
faster and therefore, dopamine travels the shortest, fastest route through the
brain. Similarly, acetylcholine is
released in the front of the brain and unlike dopamine, it travels longer,
more complex pathways. For example, I am pretty quick to respond, while Greg takes a little bit longer to decide what he wants to say, especially when it comes to feelings since he is also left-brained... From these
grooved pathways through the brain, temperaments are created triggering the same behavior
patterns. These grooves can also become
ruts that we call habits, and that is why habits are so hard to break.
Alright...enough education. Here are the quick points:
Innies may have the following tendencies:
·
They think before they act or speak
·
They make good eye contact when listening, less
so when speaking.
·
When speaking they have soft voices, appear
calm, pause frequently, may sound hesitant, and may hunt for words.
·
They enjoy solitude and feel drained after too
much socializing.
·
They have one or two good friends.
Outies may have the following tendencies:
·
They shoot from the hip and the lip.
·
They act first and think later.
·
They have good eye contact when speaking, less
so when listening.
·
When speaking they show facial expressions, move
their body, interrupt others (and feel interruptions are complements to a conversation), speak loudly, sound authoritative, and have a silver tongue.
·
They enjoy excitement, plenty of activities, and
socializing and feel drained by too much solitude.
·
They consider lots of people to be their friends.
Characteristics of Right-Brainers:
·
Tolerates mixed feelings
·
Is nonverbal and more artistic
·
Uses empathic and emotional language
·
Emphasizes relationships
·
Talks with other mainly to make connection
·
Enjoys sharing person experiences
·
Asks questions about others’ perspective and
experiences
·
Helps others come to their own decisions
·
Changes mind if evidence suggests
Characteristics of Left-Brainers:
·
Uses black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinking
·
Uses precise, logical, and authoritarian
language
·
Emphasizes independence and separation
·
Communicates as a process of clarification
·
Talks mainly in order to think things out
·
Has an impersonal and objective style of
speaking
·
Asks questions to understand the others’ logic
·
Helps others find correct answer to their
problems
·
Makes evidence fit his or her opinion
I've been going on for a while, and I would love to tell you so much more, but the book just says it best, so you'll all have to read it. So to summarize... We are all different, and it takes some work in order to communicate effectively. Change is hard and expecting that someone else will change is even harder. One of my favorite paragraphs from the book is:"Say good-bye to the illusion of control - life holds surprises. Change threatens our illusion of control. As helpless children we need this illusion. When we grow up we need to let that notion go because we don't really have control of life. Take heart, though, because we do have some amount of control over ourselves. Life runs its own course and people do their own things. But we do have choices about how we cope with what life sends our way. Paradoxically, we have more choices when we leave the illusion of control behind."This book has given me the insight to slow down and try to relate to how my wonderful husband thinks and what he perceives of me because of my actions towards him. We all think we know what the perfect world would be, but to someone else, it's completely different.
Love to know what all of you think or what your relationship dynamic is and your experiences. Publish a comment below.
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