Opposites Attract

As most people say about their spouses, I too was lucky enough to marry my best friend...
 
Throughout college and living in Kansas City, I would love spending time with Greg and I could never get enough of him on the weekends.  I was elated when Greg proposed looking forward to getting married, moving into a house and picturing the rest of our lives together.  As part of our marriage preparation, we took personality tests, answered questions on the typical roles of a husband and wife, and examined how each of us were raised in our families in order to understand how those aspects would affect our marriage.  On the personality test, Greg scored to be well on the introverted side, while I was slightly on the extroverted side.  Our marriage counselor said that this may present issues in the future because of the way we will interact in situations.

It wasn’t truly until after we got married when our weekends finally slowed down when I realized how different Greg and I were.  I think I noticed it most on Saturday mornings when I would spring out of bed looking forward to all the tasks that I wanted to accomplish on that day, while Greg would slowly roll out of bed, need a cup of coffee before he showed any sign of emotion and then open up his computer and spend literally HOURS on his machine.  Greg’s ideal Saturday was being left in solitude on his computer, while mine was running errands, cleaning the house, or doing anything where I was moving, and not to mention that I pictured Greg right by my side doing all of these things with me.  I would sit there and think that we had nothing in common.  And when I would try and talk to Greg about it, he was lost for words, so I just thought that he didn’t care.

That’s when I decided to read a book called, “The Introvert and Extrovert in Love”, that was suggested to us by our marriage counselor during our marriage preparation classes.  Since reading this book, I have grown in appreciation for all people being unique, and I have learned to be understanding and more patient towards those that are different than me.  The book was truly an eye opener to the way that I am and how I view others and how we can’t help the way that we are because that is the way we are wired.  We can only control the way we react.

It's a very interesting book that explores the chemical make-up of our brains and how that influences our reactions and then it gives several examples of the interaction between a husband and wife and how they believe the other person is responding to them.  So, here is my attempt to share a bit of the book with you, and hopefully you will pick up a copy one day and read it yourself so you can understand that we're not all that crazy, it's only the way our brain is wired...

There are five sections of the brain. The occipital lobe processes vision, the parietal lobe processes sensory data from the body, and the temporal lobe process auditory information.  The frontal lobe processes the two types of movement: thinking which is movement from the brain and voluntary movement of the muscles.  This lobe is considered the area of complex functioning from speaking, emotional intelligence, decision making, reasoning, remembering, self-control, problem solving, and planning.  The fifth lobe is the insula, which has recently been thought of to control many of our higher functions by integrating input from the other lobes.  Most of us know or have been told this information before.

The other way to divide the brain is down the middle, which we’ve all heard as left-brain or right-brain thinkers.  The left-brain shines when performing cognitive, language and math skills and controls the more action-oriented right side of the body.  The right-brain controls the less action-oriented left side of the body and regulates emotions, intuition and artistic abilities.  If you didn't know, Greg is a left-brain thinker and I am right-brained.  We are literally complete opposites.

The last brain divide is the front from the back.  Introverts use the front of the brain and extroverts use the back of the brain.  The back is the “being” part, which is reacting in the moment where sensory data creates a candid snapshot of a perception, which activates basic behaviors.  The front part is the “doing” part, which reflects before acting combining sensory data, old and new memories, thinking, and feeling contribute to the development of a thought.

The book explains how our parents passed down their genes containing recipes to create our neurotransmitters, in which our different “ingredients” will create a separate pathway through the brain switching on or off specialized functions.  Introverts’ genes produce acetylcholine, which activates conscious movement of the body, selects or “tags” memories to be stored in long-term memory, initiates REM sleep, triggers consciousness and concentration, and runs the parasympathetic conserving side of the nervous system.  Extroverts’ genes make dopamine, which is a major reward neurotransmitter that is involved in feeling excited, unconsciously moving the body, and triggering the sympathetic spending side of the nervous system.  I told Greg that this is the reason I sometimes wave my arms uncontrollably in our living room for no reason while singing a song... I can't help myself.  And also the reason he has to tell his body to get up and move around the house or he will end up in the same spot for several hours of the day while I'm out running around.

When dopamine is released in response to input to the back of the brain, clusters of cells that like this neurotransmitter create pathways in the brain for dopamine to travel.  Well-used pathways develop grooves so that the cells can fire even faster and therefore, dopamine travels the shortest, fastest route through the brain.  Similarly, acetylcholine is released in the front of the brain and unlike dopamine, it travels longer, more complex pathways.  For example, I am pretty quick to respond, while Greg takes a little bit longer to decide what he wants to say, especially when it comes to feelings since he is also left-brained... From these grooved pathways through the brain, temperaments are created triggering the same behavior patterns.  These grooves can also become ruts that we call habits, and that is why habits are so hard to break.

Alright...enough education.  Here are the quick points:

Innies may have the following tendencies:

·        They think before they act or speak

·        They make good eye contact when listening, less so when speaking.

·        When speaking they have soft voices, appear calm, pause frequently, may sound hesitant, and may hunt for words.

·        They enjoy solitude and feel drained after too much socializing.

·        They have one or two good friends.

Outies may have the following tendencies:

·        They shoot from the hip and the lip.

·        They act first and think later.

·        They have good eye contact when speaking, less so when listening.

·        When speaking they show facial expressions, move their body, interrupt others (and feel interruptions are complements to a conversation), speak loudly, sound authoritative, and have a silver tongue.

·        They enjoy excitement, plenty of activities, and socializing and feel drained by too much solitude.

·        They consider lots of people to be their friends.

Characteristics of Right-Brainers:

·        Tolerates mixed feelings

·        Is nonverbal and more artistic

·        Uses empathic and emotional language

·        Emphasizes relationships

·        Talks with other mainly to make connection

·        Enjoys sharing person experiences

·        Asks questions about others’ perspective and experiences

·        Helps others come to their own decisions

·        Changes mind if evidence suggests

Characteristics of Left-Brainers:

·        Uses black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinking

·        Uses precise, logical, and authoritarian language

·        Emphasizes independence and separation

·        Communicates as a process of clarification

·        Talks mainly in order to think things out

·        Has an impersonal and objective style of speaking

·        Asks questions to understand the others’ logic

·        Helps others find correct answer to their problems

·        Makes evidence fit his or her opinion

I've been going on for a while, and I would love to tell you so much more, but the book just says it best, so you'll all have to read it.  So to summarize... We are all different, and it takes some work in order to communicate effectively.  Change is hard and expecting that someone else will change is even harder.  One of my favorite paragraphs from the book is:

"Say good-bye to the illusion of control - life holds surprises.  Change threatens our illusion of control.  As helpless children we need this illusion.  When we grow up we need to let that notion go because we don't really have control of life.  Take heart, though, because we do have some amount of control over ourselves.  Life runs its own course and people do their own things.  But we do have choices about how we cope with what life sends our way.  Paradoxically, we have more choices when we leave the illusion of control behind."

This book has given me the insight to slow down and try to relate to how my wonderful husband thinks and what he perceives of me because of my actions towards him.  We all think we know what the perfect world would be, but to someone else, it's completely different. 

Love to know what all of you think or what your relationship dynamic is and your experiences.  Publish a comment below.

Alexandria, Virginia

Greg and I spent a long weekend visiting our friends, Jessica and Evan, in Alexandria, Virginia.  I kept saying that they lived in Washington, DC, but it is actually Alexandria.  Jessica's family lived next door to ours growing up so we have been best friends since the day Jessica was born creating all of our childhood memories together.  Dr. Jessica and her husband, Dr. Evan, both graduated from St. Louis College of Pharmacy and she is completing a residency, while Evan is completing a fellowship in the Alexandria area.  Yes, they are both doctors, and it's weird saying that, but they have both worked so hard to get that title. 

We didn't care to see much of the monuments in Washington DC; we were really there to see them and do what they do on a regular weekend.  On Friday, Jessica and Evan worked so Greg and I went to the Washington DC Zoo.  It was quite the trip to get there.  We drove into the city, and then took the Metro up to Washington DC.  The Metro stations were so much nicer than those in New York.  Very open and might I say, a bit cleaner...  We rode down and up a gigantic escalator, which later Evan informed me was the 3rd longest, continuous escalator in the world.  And no Greg wouldn't just let me ride it down and up, he made me keep moving while we were on there.  I was very out of breath when we got to the top, but others were impressed with our athletic abilities, they were just too afraid to complement us.

The entire day was a little foggy with low lying clouds, and by the time we finally got to the zoo it decided to rain on and off.  Jessica and Evan warned us that the zoo was very spread out and not many animals were out when they went, and we had the same experience. 

 Like us, Jessica and Evan are lovers of wine so we headed further West into Virginia on Saturday to visit a couple of wineries.  Jessica read a blog for the best winter wineries in Virginia that mentioned some that had fireplaces; however, it was sunny and in the mid 60's on Saturday, so it was nice to sit outside and enjoy the sun.  The Appalachian Mountains were beautiful!  We tasted wine at the first place and got a bottle to split at the other two wineries.  The first winery was Naked Mountain Vineyard & Winery.  They had a really good Chardonnay and my new favorite, a Cabernet Franc.  We didn't stick around too long and headed to Delaplane Cellars and purchased a Syrah.  This place had a large windows overlooking the vineyards.  We were able to sit outside in the sun and play some games.  The third winery was La Grange, which is known to be haunted, but we only experienced the haunting of what we thought was "stink" bugs which were crawling on the window behind us as we drank our wine and 2 of them decided to follow us home.  We bought a Cabernet Franc at this winery.  Evan was nice enough to drive us home, while the rest of us took a nap.

On Sunday, we went to a coffee shop and spent some time on our computers and walked around to some of the shops in downtown Alexandria.  On Sunday, we ended up in the same area going to a good BBQ place and a Crate & Barrel Outlet store.  Jessica wanted to take us to one of her favorite happy hour places there, but it was closed, so we headed straight into the city to go to a bar that Greg found that had trivia.  We had so much time to kill that we went to another coffee shop in between.

We got third to last place in trivia, but I thought we did pretty well considering we were probably the youngest in the bar. 

It was really nice seeing the both of them and a nice start to our year.  

 

 

Change in the New Year

Well, it came and went just like it does every year.  There is so much hype about Christmas and excitement leading up to the day where you get to visit family and open presents, and then it goes away.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every chance I get to see our families and I got a lot of really great gifts that I'm so thankful for, but Christmas is that one holiday that is perceived to be extra special because it has the belief that it's magical, or at least that's what all the movies have made me believe; however, it just comes and goes and we are back to our daily routines.

I think that's the purpose of New Year's resolutions is that there is something that you would like to change in your life and the "new year" gives you that opportunity.  I read a lot of others' blogs prior to Christmas, and they all seemed to have a similar message on expressing gratitude throughout the holidays - the idea of being grateful for what you have been given.

But why I ask do we wait until Christmas to look back on the year's past and decide at that time that things have to change?  I tell Greg that the reason that I go to Church every weekend is so that I can do this exact thing - look back on the week's past, how I treated him or others at work whether it was good or bad, examine my thoughts and turn them into something positive rather than dwell over the negative, and then I ask that I am given another week to improve on anything that I need to and continue to do good on things that I am doing good on at the time.

I guess what I am saying is that I think regular self examination is a good thing, and it's nice that New Year's marks a time where everyone at least gives it a thought.  I do think it's beneficial to do is more often though.  I never like sharing what I'm going to try and improve on because I think it's personal and there's nothing worse than someone noticing and commenting on the fact that your not meeting your goals; however, that's why it's so easy to give up on things when you are the only one that is holding yourself accountable.

So, I'll share a few items that I'm trying to tackle in the year ahead...

1. Wiping off the counter after a meal is prepared and wiping out the sink after it is used.  I've been going a week strong on this, and gosh does our kitchen look better.  I used to make a sandwich for lunch in the morning and bread crumbs would still be on the counter when I got home.  I finally told myself that this is not acceptable.  Also, we have a white porcelain sink in our kitchen that I would love to get rid of!  It stains so easily, and we probably only use the "Bar Tender's Helper" cleaner (which works lovely) only about once a month.  Every time we rinse out a dish, especially if it has any oil in it, a nasty stain is left.  So, I'm wiping the sink down and making sure all the food and residue is truly washed down the drain.
2. Being more productive with my weekends.  I hate to admit that I think I've become a procrastinator.  I love doing house projects, but I push them off so much because I'm afraid to get started.  I think last year's resolution to never start a project that I can't finish in 2 weeks has backfired a bit, because I haven't done many smaller projects.  I have to remind myself that I love doing these things and even though I may be tired at the time, I will get the energy I need by starting on the project. 
3. Blogging more regularly.  If you haven't noticed, I may finish 3 posts in a weekend and then sit dormant for 3 weeks.  I would like to post about more projects and finish the rooms that I started on last year.

So, there you have it.  A few things I am working on.  So, what are all of you working on?  Anything small that you've always wanted to accomplish? 

Happy 2013!  Make this year one to remember, one that you love, one that is you.

Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas to everyone!  I know this post is a little late to be sending out now, but I'm sure most of you are busy with the same things we are from cleaning your house from all the Christmas decorations, catching up at work, and working off the holiday weight.  Needless to say, we've been busy since we've returned back to Olathe, and we've been fighting off some head colds as well... 

 Our Christmas vacation started on Saturday where my Mom's side of the family came over to celebrate Christmas.  This side of the family is just booming with little children and it almost gets overwhelming when you don't have a child of your own.  My uncle kept saying that my children will also be pulling off the garland from the Christmas tree and throwing ornaments, but I'm not so sure about that.  I hope that we will have a little more control over them, but I guess we will just have to see.  My favorite is still little Maddex, mainly because he is still too young to start talking and he never wants to get away from me holding him. 

We always play "Rob Your Neighbor" or a "White Elephant" gift exchange with this side of the family.  In past years we have received really ugly Christmas candles or used children's toys that we've given away, but this year, it was stressed to spend $5 on a gift and make it something that a person would actually want.  We got some really good little gifts such as a Christmas fleece blanket, gloves, and a ceramic coffee travel mug, all thanks to Greg's rolling of the die.  I'm terrible at rolling sixes.

We went to Church on Sunday, Greg and I finished up some last minute shopping, and then found some time to go running with Mackie before we got ready to go down to Greg's sister's house.  We didn't bring Abby down to Danielle's house and we finally got to see how social her cats were.  They were so friendly!  We played some games and then caught up on some good youtube videos of 2012.  We spent the night down there, and was treated to one of Alex's amazing breakfasts that consists of an open face English muffin with strawberry jelly, a seasoned over easy egg, avocado and drizzled hot sauce on top.  It was delicious!

After talking over breakfast, we got on the subject of not remembering any of the countries and capitals anymore like we used to know in school.  Danielle purchased a flash card game just so she could brush up on her free time, so we got out the cards and make a little game over it.  Mackie and I had plans to go shopping to look for a New Year's Eve dress for her, so I had to start getting ready.  As I was upstairs getting ready, I hear Greg and his brother and sister getting really good at the countries and capitals and laughing and having a good time.  I was thinking how proud their Mom and Dad must be to have children that enjoy playing educational games.

Mackie and I went to the mall and she must have tried on 35 sparkly, sequined dresses to go out in New York in style on New Year's.  She ended up in one that was totally different from the classy gold, silver and black that we tried on all day.  She picked one that was unique in green, blue and black sequins looking like a reptile, in my opinion, so she would be different from the crowd and be in her own style.  I wanted her to send me a picture of her entire outfit, but you get the idea.

As we've become older and now have to share Christmas day with our significant other's families, Christmas Eve has become the Schomburg's family Christmas.  My parents cook a good meal and we open up the present to each other.  We usually play a game as well, but this year we didn't.  My Mom was sick again over the Christmas weekend, so it's never the same when she's feeling under the weather.  We always take a picture in front of the tree every year, and then we do a funny picture.  Greg still doesn't get the hang of the funny pictures, so he always looks confused in the photos.

 I woke up early on Christmas morning to go to Church and then over the Millers to celebrate their Christmas.  We had a really good breakfast and then started opening gifts.  Mrs. Miller made a blanket for Abby out of Greg's old sweatshirts.  The fabrics are so soft, and Abby loves it. 

By the time we finished opening up presents, we didn't have too much time to play games before we had to head over to celebrate Christmas with my Dad's side of the family.  We made it back in time to see the 2 little cousins open up their gifts and play a game.  My other two cousins came over in the evening to continue to play games with us.

The day after Christmas we saw Jessica and Evan who were in town.  We ate lunch at Jessica's parent's house and played more games.  We were really tired from the day before so we weren't all that chatty, but Greg and I have a trip planned to go visit them in Washington DC in a couple weeks, so we knew we would see them again.


My Mom found these jammies for our dogs. 
Abby didn't mind wearing them.

We met Greg's parents for dinner and then went back to their house for more games with Greg's siblings.  We had plans to leave early Thursday morning, but we experiences car troubles with my car towards the end of the break and had to replace the battery on our way out of town.  We went to Sears and had our pets with us.  It took 2 hours for the replacement, and we looked awesome sitting in Sears with Abby and Chase with me in my sweatpants and Greg in his ripped jeans.  At least Abby looked nice enough that some people wanted to pet her.

We're back at home and all I wanted to do with my last few days off was clean, clean, clean.  We put away all our Christmas decorations, but all the floors still need a thorough cleaning, so we are going to accomplish that today.  It was great seeing everyone and we would like to start planning our year ahead with everyone coming up for a visit sometime, so let us know!

PS. I promise we did hang out with the Miller side of the family even though I have no pictures to prove it.  I told Greg that I am going to have to be that creepy camera person always taking pictures from now on and forcing people to smile at times.